My Characters Are Smarter Than Me

It's early October. My self-imposed deadline for Cael's performance is quickly approaching. I'm moving beyond thinking about pieces and practice and scenes in relation to Teyr'loch Delter Pach and returning to a semblance of normalcy living inside Cael's head, what they might say to their father after the performance, how interactions between them and the rest of their father's envoy might look.

I hold hypothetical conversations as them on my walks. "Patra," they might say, "do you know at what point the 'veil' you mentioned was lifted? Was it during the performance? Was it from something specific?"

Actually, that question means that it wouldn't have been early October. It would have been later, after the performance even, but that doesn't make sense because I know I held onto the revelation for a bit.

Hmm, my timeline is all discombobulated on when this little bit of monologizing occurred. Chances are, it took place in the days spanning the end of the performance but before they fully finished conversing with their father. Either way, timeline's not as important as the revelation.

"Given what I learned about how the King is spreading a synthesized variant of the Leukodaemon disease among the people of his city, could it be that Maryn has been performing a similar operation in our home? Is he somehow trickling small dosages of his poison to the people there, and if so, how would he be doing so?

"Yet, if that were the case, then why did he go after Matra directly after Valen and I left? And why did Valen never seem fazed by it growing up? It's true that it might still have been in the testing stage back then, but it's not like there's much...in common.... Except I used my memory sharing ability with Valen. It's how I got through to him. It was my cry for help.

"I did the same with Matra when I confronted her. I tried to show her what it felt like to be erased, how her choices impacted me. I wanted her to understand. I just wanted there to be a connection between us. And then I did the same thing for you tonight, Patra. I showed you what it was like to be erased. I shared my memories with you and your envoy, and you said it was like a veil was lifted, that all that was wrong seems so obvious in hindsight.

"What if I...what if I did get through to Matra? What if she was going to confront Maryn about what he'd done? What if this ability to share my memories with people led to a rewiring of how she perceived her own memories? It's not like she took Valen's counter-agent. No, the only common denominator was...was me."

I didn't have that revelation. Cael did.

Method Acting

Before I started playing TTRPGs, the way I got to know characters was by talking to them, not as them. They would tell me about themselves to a certain point, and then I would discover the rest through writing, but it wasn't as clear cut as that. They would trickle secrets here and there, revealing little details only after I'd written specific scenes. It was like getting to know a real person, but just from the outside in instead of the inside out.

Creating Cael was the first time I went with an inside out approach. After I devised some of their background and identity, I decided that the only way to know how they'd sound would be to embody them.

Oh, I felt foolish at first, walking around my apartment practicing voices and trying to pinpoint their mannerisms. I was alone but still embarrassed doing something that nobody was around to judge me for. "Who walks around their room talking in pretend voices so they can get to know their character?" I laughed at the ridiculousness of it, and then I laughed at myself for feeling embarrassed in front of myself.

I've been method acting 4 years since.

Not always, but usually when I go on a walk, I'll do one of two things: 1) listen to music and let the scenes play out as they will in my mind like some sort of anime intro/outro or 2) monologue as my character, reason through their concerns as them, see the world through their eyes. Anyone who might happen to overhear me would automatically assume I'm talking on the phone, since I have headphones, but if they were to eavesdrop on the actual contents of the conversation, they would realize, "Wait, that doesn't sound like anything here in our world." Then they might wonder, "Is this person crazy?"

I always thought I was weird for treating my characters as real people, even going so far back as a couple decades ago when my best friend and I were e-mailing RP posts to one another.

As a matter of fact, my very first memory of a character having a revelation before me was when that character said, "Roh will be compensated soon enough." How was I to know that my friend's character was pregnant and the baby was the sacrifice to create a miracle!? There was no setup! My friend even asked me, "How'd you know?" and I just stared at her like an idiot until she repeated, "How'd you know she was pregnant? That was going to be a surprise."

I didn't! I swear! But Xei certainly did somehow!

I thought that was a one-off, but as I developed more characters, that one-off became a rare occurrence, and soon that rare occurrence became a natural part of the process, like the Muses of old bestowing sparks of insight to artists and orators. Now, I'm no longer surprised how a character can have an epiphany before I do, but am still awestruck by the sort of epiphanies they can have.

Cael, Lynn, my spider faerie for whom I have yet to decide a name. They've all surprised me with dropping pieces of lore or information that I didn't know about, though for the latter two the scale is much smaller, since I've known them for...a month. I've even had mock conversations between all of them that show how their distinct personalities might rub against one another. I learned of Lynn's deep distrust and hatred of mages through speaking as her, imagining how she might view Cael, who has come to accept their magic as a part of themselves and not as something evil. I learned of my spider faerie's calming presence and gentle disposition next to Cael's boisterous compassion.

And I have little doubt that from here on out they'll continue to surprise me with more, as long as I can get out of my own way long enough to give them the autonomy they deserve.

Other Notable Accomplishments:

(Ohey, I did a thing! I know I'm still primarily doing blog posts, but I'm steadily building my retinue of finished creative projects. If I've entertained or enriched your life in any way, I hope you'll consider dropping some support into my proverbial coin bucket.)

• Working out and walking hasn't changed much this past week

• Was really enjoying "Purpose" until I hit an unstated message limit and could no longer interact with the AI. It was really unfortunate 'cause the whole experience was fascinating and quite enjoyable.

• Been struggling with brain fog pretty hard since my last post. Dunno why.

• Finished rereading "Ender's Game"! I remember liking the book in grade school, and I think it holds up well despite its simplicity. The twist toward the end is so well done.

Real Talk:

• What's your superpower? Something that feels absolutely normal to you but mind-boggling to others? Or that feels so natural to you, you just assume that other people in your same field of interest do the same?

  • Tell me, I wanna knooooow.

This Week's Obligatory Cat Pic: Qiri