"You're So Talented"

This past week starting on Tuesday, I sat down to hammer out the final piece I planned to compose for Teyr'loch Delter Pach.

I promptly hit a creative wall, not so much with coming up with a melody, since I already planned to write a variation of the Lullaby, but the coloration of that melody through harmony and rhythm.

Originally, I wanted to compose it for a small ensemble of Japanese instruments to emulate a soundscape more in line with where Cael was born: shakuhachi, koto, shamisen, and maybe taiko, but I couldn't quite capture the tone in my mind using these instruments. I spent countless hours beating my head against these unsatisfactory measures, growing increasingly frustrated at myself, wondering why I couldn't write a simple piece of music that was only meant to be 2.5 minutes long. I even decided at one point that I was going to give up on the piece entirely and instead find another that fit the scene better.

"You're so smart."

"You're such a quick learner."

"You're so talented."

"I'm an imposter."

Growing up, I thrived on the above three comments and their variants. Aside from genuinely enjoying the process of learning, I felt that most of my worth was through how well I performed in school. I had to strive to get all A's because that's what it meant to be smart, and if I didn't receive all A's, then maybe I wasn't so smart/talented/quick after all.

Yet I never could match the smarts of my eldest sister. I completed calculus, but no way was I about to become a programmer. I was never the sports star or socialite my older sister was. I could barely huff and puff my way through the mile run final exam for gym in high school, and I had few to no friends until the summer between 7th and 8th grade.

I was 100% the introverted video game nerd who always wore black to hide her weight so as to avoid comments about how she should, "exercise/go outside more. We have a treadmill downstairs; why don't you use it?" I loved going above and beyond on writing assignments, learning and understanding early music theory, and getting absorbed into drawing assignments for biology or other classes.

So, upon graduating high school, what do I do?

I attend college to become a video game music composer. Except I didn't choose a college that specifically focuses on video game development. Nope, I went to one that was actually known more for its music education program and had 2-3 composition students in total. Right choice? Probably not, but I was one of those scammed by the belief that you had to attend college immediately after high school even though I felt rushed into doing so. Either way, this is where we reach the feeling of imposter syndrome.

Composing music has never come naturally to me. In fact, writing stories hasn't either if I have to create everything from scratch or write through a medium I couldn't care less about--you know 'literary' stories. I majored in the former and minored in the latter, and in both areas I felt like an imposter for a majority of those 5 years of study.

Oh, music theory assignments weren't too difficult. Voice leading, avoiding parallel 5ths, 8ves, etc...technical construction and chord identification came relatively easily because it was textbook learning, but when it came to actual composing, I stumbled and faltered and doubted and why does this passage sound so bad when the technical side is all correct?

I mean, I really shouldn't have passed my private lessons for composing. I really, truly, sincerely should not have, because I think I only finished maybe a piece or two during the 3-4 years I had them? Excluding my final year where it all came together for me. I struggled hard, and it felt like I wasn't receiving any real help. I had no guidance. I understood the theory side, but I didn't understand conceptualizing those theories musically. It's like learning preexisting physics equations to explain how gravity or velocity works vs creating those formulas from scratch to explain the existence of gravity or how to achieve terminal velocity.

I felt inadequate despite performing well in all of my classes, flailing in the dark in my attempt to understand how to write music that wasn't just another voice leading exercise. How do you even go about writing musical accompaniment that isn't chorale style voice leading anyway?

I don't have new melodies running through my mind daily. I don't constantly think, "Oh, this would be a neat chord progression." I can't look at sheet music and hear how it sounds in my head--I actually have to listen to it. Heck, I was chided before for relying on my DAW for hearing how my compositions sound instead of plucking them out on the piano to feel how they sound. I lived and breathed my studies, but I didn't live and breathe music.

I was constantly ashamed of myself for not having more of a piece to show week after week of lessons. I even grew to dread those same lessons, and I was frustrated at my own ineptitude for creation. I could get started with a piece, but I never had a vision past the first handful of measures even when considering the form I wanted to use, etc. etc.... Maybe I wasn't smart after all. Maybe I wasn't talented. Maybe I wasn't the quick learner everyone thought I was. I'm trying to fake it 'til I make it, but I'm certainly faking it to the extreme while pretending I know what the hell it is I'm doing. Imagine wearing your shirt on backwards for 5 years, where it fits but not quite right, and that's roughly how I felt.

Musicality began to click for me during my 4th and penultimate year of study, the year I finally took the one and only music composition course at the college, where we had to compose according to certain guidelines and frameworks, within certain styles and forms. Restriction paves the way for creative innovation, and that's precisely what the class did for me. It was no longer, "compose what you want and show me for critique." It was, "compose a waltz in ternary form. Oh, and by the way, here are some examples of the styles to follow."

Then came the miraculous final year and my recital, which required me to compose an hour's worth of music, but this post isn't about the success at the end, because even though I had nearly a full house, an article in the paper, and a standing ovation, I didn't touch music composition again after graduating, not until recently, ten years later....starting right back at square one.

So, I wrestled with the piece I wanted to write for this performance, grappled with it, asked all of those same questions that haunted me during my studies: "why am I not 'getting' this?"

"Just give up," I told myself on both Tuesday and Wednesday. "There are other pieces out there that fit the tone you want; you just need to find them. Hollow Knight: Silksong actually has some really good music. One of those would probably suffice."

I considered it, even slotted in some pieces I thought would work, but I was also bullheaded. Two and a half minutes isn't long. If I couldn't do that, then what hope did I have?

"Keep it simple," I reminded myself, and scrapped the whole idea of using Japanese instruments, restarting with the piano as my only instrument. "No need to go crazy on chords. Keep it diatonic, even if that makes it a little 'boring' to trained ears. You're not a professional right now; you're a student, so master the basics. There's no one to impress, not even yourself."

So, I started anew.

Keep your hands on the volume dial. I've been trying to figure out why the expression mapping in Dorico has been weird for dynamics, which is why the dynamics that are written may seem odd to the trained eye as I've tried to counter some of the leaps in volume when there shouldn't have been any, so there will be times it is extremely quiet and a point where it gets decently loud. This isn't a problem only I experience, but the complexity behind their expression maps is another point of frustration for me.

"Mother Nightmare's Lullaby for Piano"

Also, for good measure, here's the passage associated with it for the performance:

• Valen: I know, Cael. I know. If it means freeing you from living a life outside your own control, then I…I promise. I don’t like it, but I promise. [Pause] But you have to promise me something, too, okay?

• Cael: Okay…

• Valen: Who you are right now? That’s the real you. I know it. So, live this life the way you’ve always wanted, okay?

• Cael: But, Valen, I don’t know who I am.

• Valen: Then how about we discover who you are together?

• Cael: Together? You’ll stay with me?

• Valen: For as long as you want me.

• Cael: Soooo, that means forever, right?

• [Valen laughs]

• Valen: Promise, Cael?

• Cael: I promise.

  • Memory: ‘You were dying,’ Valen says, as if that excuses his actions. ‘I had to try and save you.’ You recoil as far away from him as you can, but you are trapped in your corner. You don’t want him anywhere near you, not after the depth of his betrayal, but, having nowhere to run, you lash out at him with the first thoughts that come to mind: You would have rather died to the illness because it’s not as though you’ll live as long as him anyway.

  • Your words hang in the air, and there’s a shift in Valen’s demeanor as he stands, a calm detachment that scares you. You open your mouth to apologize and beg him not to leave you, but the tightness in your chest triggers another bout of coughing, which prompts him to place a small canister on the table with brief instructions on its usage.

  • Finally, he says, ‘Life is a precious thing, and yours is no different, especially to me,’ before leaving you in the empty tavern.

---

Aside from some editing to smooth out the ending and figuring out the dynamics issue, I consider the draft "finished."

The arpeggiated pattern at the start of the change to 3/4 is reminiscent of the latter sequence found in "Sir Edmund Burton," the piece that will precede mine.

This is intentional, setting up the planned "mash-up" I've envisioned for "Seglass Ni Tonday," toward the end of the performance. I still need to determine whether or not what I have planned will actually work, but that's a project for another day.

Somewhere along the way while growing up, I learned that if something doesn't come easily or naturally to me, then it means something must be wrong with me. I find myself cringing now any time I hear a parent talk about how smart their child is, wondering if that kid will experience the same existential crises I had whenever they do encounter real challenges. Nowadays, if anyone comments any of those types of phrases to me, I just politely redirect the coversation to "hard work/perseverence" instead of "talent."

Other Notable Accomplishments:

• 4-day workout split:

  • Upper 1:

    • Flat Dumbbell Press - 4 sets

      • 10 reps/set using two 35 lb dumbbells

    • Seated Dumbbell Shoulder Press - 3 sets

      • 11 reps/set using two 27.5 lb dumbbells

    • Dumbbell Chest Supported Row - 4 sets

      • 10 reps/set using two 27.5 lb dumbbells

    • Lean-In Lateral Raises - 3 sets/side

      • 10 full reps/side/set using one 10 lb dumbbell

      • 5 half reps/side/set using the same dumbbell

    • Dumbbell Overhead Tricep Extensions - 3 sets

      • 12 reps/set using one 27.5 lb dumbbell

  • Lower 1 Quads:

    • Bulgarian Split Squat (Quad Focused) - 3 sets

      • 8 reps/set using two 25 lb dumbbells

    • Dumbbell Romanian Deadlift - 3 sets

      • 12 reps/set using two 37.5 lb dumbbells

      • I think this move may have been what hurt my lower back

    • Heel Elevated Goblet Squat - 3 sets

      • 15 reps/set using one 35 lb dumbbell

      • Will increase to 37.5 lbs next week

      • This may have also been the move that hurt my lower back

    • Superset: Single Leg Weighted Calf Raise & Dead Bug - 3 sets

      • 12 reps/set using one 47.5 lb dumbbell for calf raises

        • My grip strength is really starting to fail me

      • Lifted head & shoulders off the ground for dead bug

        • 10 reps/side/set

  • Upper 2 (last week):

    • Low Incline Dumbbell Press - 4 sets

      • 9 reps/set using two 35 lb dumbbells

    • 3-Point Dumbbell Row - 4 sets

      • 8 reps/side using one 35 lb dumbbell

    • Superset: Band Assisted Pull-Ups & Push-Ups - 4 sets

      • 6 reps/set for pull-ups; getting marginally easier

      • 12 reps/set for push-ups

    • Superset: Dumbbell Lateral Raises & Incline Dumbbell Overhead Extensions - 3 sets

      • 12 reps/set using two 10 lb dumbbells for lat raises

      • 11 reps/set using two 15 lb dumbbells for overhead extensions

    • Weighted Prone Arm Circles - 2 sets

      • 10 reps/set using two 2.5 lb weight cylinders

  • Lower 2 Glutes (last week):

    • Bulgarian Split Squat (Glute Focused) - 4 sets

      • 12 reps/set using two 20 lb dumbbells

    • Weighted Single Leg Hip Thrusts - 3 sets/side

      • Was a dumb-dumb & thought this move was first, so I performed 4 sets this week instead of 3

      • 1st set: 12 reps using a 20 lb dumbell

      • Sets 2-4: 14 reps/set using a 25 lb dumbbell

    • Single Leg Weighted Calf Raise - 3 sets

      • 15 reps/set using a 45 lb dumbbell

    • Bodyweight Sliding Hamstring Curls - 3 sets

      • 14 reps/set

      • Oh my hammies

    • Reverse Crunches - 3 sets

      • 13/13/14 reps

• Starting to see some results in my physiology! This is definitely the most toned I've ever been even if it's not the lightest, and it's only the beginning. Choosing to bulk was the right choice.

• Wrote 2 journals for Cael

• Read a chapter of "Ultralearning" after doing some research on learning methodology during one of my bouts of self-directed frustration. Looking forward to borrowing the full book through Libby, since the first chapter resonated deeply with me.

Questions for Contemplation & Discussion:

• What comments haunt you to this day, and how have you come to terms with them, if you have?

• Whose standards are you trying to live up to? Yours? Or someone else's?

This Week's Obligatory Cat Pic: Salad

"Nyaaaa, not the vet!"