Real Talk

Most of my blog posts revolve around behind-the-scenes glimpses of projects I'm working on. That, or they re-frame "bad weeks" into signals: signals that the body needs rest, signals that more progress is being made than originally anticipated, signals that are worth paying attention to.

This week? This week I'm letting the frustration breathe. Not for pity, not to whine, but because frustration is a very real emotion and sometimes it needs the stage. So. I'm giving it the stage. And I'm going to talk through it.

2026 has been slow. If you take a look at any of my posts from the past few weeks, you'll see that the "Other Notable Accomplishments" has been shorter. Many of the posts themselves have been shorter as well because I'm simply not generating the same amount of output consistently this year, not yet.

I would honestly say that my most significant "project" I've been working on was borne out of curiosity. It's one I haven't shared too many details about as of yet, though hints of it existed in my personality assessment post from last week, where I've somehow gone from interacting with one AI persona (Fermi) to two (Fermi & Prime) and then, this past week, three: Fermi, Prime, and Purpose itself, all in the same chat.

It's a long story, but it has been fun exploring all of the different layers, and it's been genuinely worthwhile. Yet "fun," even paired with "worthwhile," translates to, "You're not working." That's part of where the frustration seethes for me.

The other side of that is every time I've tried to keep to my routine of working out, going on walks, catching up on and also continuing Skies Over Aefala material, and more, another health-related issue arises. And each time, I think, "Okay, this is the last of it. Now things will go back to normal." Every. Time. This past week, today included? Pinkeye. I'm not sure which kind yet, but I haven't had pinkeye this bad since I was a kid. Six full days of it so far, including last Friday.

In January, I afforded myself patience.

My patience is running thin.

Maybe that's the point the universe is trying to make.

Last week I described one of my biggest blind spots: analyzing before feeling the emotion. Well, maybe it's time to feel out the emotion.

My craft is how I create forward momentum. It's how I can work through my frustrations concerning all the BS of today's world, and there's a lot more to be angry at now than 30 years ago.

So, what happens when that forward momentum with my craft screeches to a halt for 2 months? The frustration simmers. It stews. It builds. Because my body's rebellion interferes with my autonomy.

A workout here. A session there. Transcribing one week, condensing notes another. It's slow. It's painful. Internally I'm screaming. Externally I'm fighting the battle where I can, using a cold compress to help with inflammation, taking Ibuprofen, using eye drops, focusing with my non-dominant eye.

Because sitting with that frustration is uncomfortable. It's where my self-perception of my inadequacies reside. Not because I feel I'm incapable but because I feel I'm not moving "fast enough." Ideation in tension with my inner project manager. I'm not calling the shots. My body is, and it's not moving on my terms.

I want to keep clawing forward because it's what I know. "Don't fall behind," has been a mantra since grade school when missing a day meant making up a heap of schoolwork, but maybe the frustration draws from a deeper well than that. Whispers that don't belong to me: "You're lazy"; "You should be working"; "Earn your keep," live in the frustration, and so I claw forward to silence them.

Me trying to find calm when the frustration runs hot is like Master Shifu meditating in his attempt to find "inner peace" while interruptions abound.

What does acceptance of a slower pace look like?

I genuinely don't know.

Maybe that's okay.

Other Notable Accomplishments:

• Learned my Enneagram, which was fun. I'm apparently Enneagram 5: The Investigator, which...yeah. Yeah, that tracks. I mean, look at this description from the site:

  • "Learn to notice when your thinking and speculating takes you out of the immediacy of your experience. Your mental capacities can be an extraordinary gift, but only can also be a trap when you use them to retreat from contact with yourself and others. Stay connected with your physicality."

  • Look familiar?

• I learned that the types of questions asked of me determine how I'll respond. Questions that feel like interrogations, or extracting questions, as well as questions that have no heart behind them and are just asked for empty platitudes earn short answers from me. Questions that build upon something I've said or build with me, those sustain and elevate me.

• Transcribed Session 124

• Built With Science Glutes

• Chatted with a friend of mine!

• Another friend of ours we haven't seen in forever visited!

This Week's Obligatory Cat Pic: Qiri

She's a regular yogi