Present with the Bare Minimum

You know it's been a long week when you stare at the word "minimum" without recognizing it as a word, but then your eyes cross and you see it as two separate words, "mini" and "mum", and either imagine small mothers or small versions of the Animal Crossing flowers.

Yeah, it's been that kind of week.

Most of the time, my emotions hum synchronously in the background, chugging along harmoniously with the train toward its destination. If someone asks, "How does this make you feel?" the train screeches to a halt while I sit there and analyze my emotional landscape with furrowed brows.

My well-articulated response? "Uhh...like everything is as it should be? Should I feel a particular way about whatever it is you're asking me? If I don't, does that make me weird? Why analyze the well-oiled machine? It's doing its job."

Then, there are the times where my emotions implode suddenly, like C-4 explosives that have been piling up in the engine room of the train without my noticing. You can thank that lovely, lovely cocktail of hormones for that, that period of time where emotions are more tender, statements hit differently, watching Pixar's "Soul" makes you ugly cry for the ejected soul of a cat that turns out to be fine and alive and well by the end of the movie. Suddenly the train isn't chugging along on well-laid tracks. It's hurtling through the air with the bridge beneath it collapsed over a massive canyon where imminent doom awaits.

That's what happened over the weekend, but not just once or twice. Repeatedly across Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, all for different reasons.

As someone who constantly reflects on her past to adjust course for her future self, these moments have a way of announcing the need for focusing on the present, and even though it sucks to flail around helplessly while Big Emotions wrest control of the train, I'm simultaneously grateful for it.

Whenever I'm misaligned with my emotions, it means something is genuinely wrong, that I need to think less about the future, reflect less about the past, and be present with myself, listening to what my body and mind actually need instead of determining what they can handle, even if it means accomplishing "less" for a time, even if it means sticking to the bare minimum of the usual habits.

For me, that self-care looks like going on my daily walks to encourage gentle movement. Even amidst the bitter cold, the sunlight helps restore some semblance of balance. Watching birds hop about in the road as I approach before taking off, watching squirrels running up and down power lines, looking at the trees on either side of the road while my face is fully covered by hoods and hats and scarves and sunglasses.

When the weight of the day continues to pile on stress after unexpected stress, walks become less about the steps and more about the re-grounding. If something is bothering me, a walk provides clarity. If I've just finished ugly crying for the 3rd day in a row, a walk encourages a sense of inner peace. If I'm frustrated by a conversation or the state of the world, a walk helps calm the electrical storm.

In terms of task completion, yeah, making sure I reach my 8k steps is absolutely the bare minimum I could do. However, sometimes the bare minimum becomes a necessary tether that helps the train land safely on the other side of the chasm instead of exploding into a spectacular display of fireworks and self-destruction.

Other Notable Accomplishments:

• I did work out Friday! And pushed too hard after a de-load week that I pinched something in the base of my neck. Oops. But at least I got one upper body workout in.

• Might be combating the flu? Partner started feeling it around Sunday, and though I haven't had the same symptoms or been hit as hard or suddenly as he has, there's this pervading exhaustion and tightness in my chest that hints at something more than general tiredness or DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) from an upper body workout that took place on Friday.

• Transcript summaries have continued to prove difficult, but I'm still tryin'.

Real Talk:

• When you need to function at bare minimum capacity, what's your go-to? Doing a few chores around the house to feel that sense of accomplishment? Going on walks like I do? Producing some gentle creative work, like crocheting or doodling?

This Week's Obligatory Cat Pic: Mura